Does God Have a Dick??

This week's Sick Burns post is asking the important questions like: does God have a dick? How big is it? And perhaps most importantly, does God fuck?

Earlier this week, current Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who might just be the worst person in all of America, won a runoff in the Republican Senate primary race for US Senate against Senator John Cornyn.

The race has attracted a lot of attention lately because of speculation that Democratic Senate nominee James Talarico might just be the guy to finally turn Texas blue, and his chances of doing so are significantly higher now that he's matched up with Paxton.

Perhaps sensing the upcoming danger to a prospective Democratic majority should Talarico win the Texas Senate seat, Paxton and the rest of the Maga influencer-sphere kicked it into high gear with the petty insults.

White House Chief Ghoul Stephen Miller called Talarico transgender in a tweet.

And the official Twitter account of the Democratic Party responded by calling Miller "an ugly fuck."

But it was a remark Paxton made that really hit my brain like a pot roast set in front of a starving man. Talarico, who Paxton has dubbed "Low T Talarico", is “a threat to our very way of life and our values," said Paxton at a recent rally. "I mean, he’s a vegan who thinks that God is nonbinary.”

First of all, Talarico isn't a vegan. At a rally earlier this week, the Texas Democrat said he'd been eating barbeque since "before Paxton's first indictment," a jab directed at the AG's constant corruption.

But it was the nonbinary jabbed that really perked up my ears. There's all kinds of theological arguments about God's supposed gender, but this piece isn't really for exploring a strictly biblical analysis of this. God is referred to as "He/Him" in the bible, for example, but He also created Adam AND Eve in his own image.

This opens up His gender to questioning in my very lapsed Catholic opinion, especially if He's not non-binary (or at least intersex). How could Eve also be made in his image if He wasn't at least part male and female?

Conservatives believe that sex is based purely on chromosomes and what genitalia you were born with. But God wasn't really born, He was just always there, according to scripture. And if He does exist (I have doubts at the very least), He probably wouldn't have chromosomes. If He did, He must have both XX chromosomes AND XY chromosomes if He was to make both Adam and Eve in His own image.

On Bluesky this week, journalist Parker Molloy resurrected a Jubilee clip in which a guy schools Charlie Kirk, who is dead, on the topic of sex and gender using God as an example.

Parker Molloy (@parkermolloy.com)

People on the right went wild over James Talarico saying that God is beyond gender, saying god is nonbinary or w/e. It reminded me of the time Charlie Kirk got backed into a corner by this college kid.

Bluesky SocialParker Molloy

What will really bake your noodle later is thinking about what chromosomes Jesus had without a human father's DNA.

This is all preamble really to the real question of this piece: does God have a dick?

Let's get into this question a little bit. Firstly, if you don't believe God exists, then this is moot discussion. But let's pretend for a second that there is a God. Does He have a pecker? A tube steak? A purple headed yogurt slinger? (If you understood this reference, please take care of your back at our age)

Let's step back and think about what a penis is and what its uses are. At the end of the day, it's just a piece of flesh, despite one of its most common nicknames: boner. When you die, assuming you aren't cremated, your penis will eventually decompose.

It tickles me that this alleged marker of permanent sex according to conservatives and gender criticals doesn't last that long once your body dies. "Your sex is your genitals" they'll say. "You can never change your sex," they say. You know what bud, my dick is going away one day eventually, one way or another.

Not only is a dick composed solely of flesh, but it serves two primary biological functions: urinating and filling out the cod pieces in medieval European fashions having sex.

Does God have need for pissing or banging? I'm not so sure. Let's explore that...